7.09.2017

dirty c-word...

i make a statement every once in a while that leaves me thinking, "have i gone too far this time with my curmudgeony?" (it is a word now, and no, it is not the c-word under discussion). explaining this one involves a bit of background on the joys of growing up in a Caribbean family. and, no, that is not the word either. i will be sure to let you know when we get there.

Caribbean decor sensibilities peaked at something i usually describe as "Victorian chic". regardless of where we might live in the diaspora, this one feature usually remains the same. it is a tendency toward a prim, ornate muchness that makes you feel like you have stumbled into the tea parlor of an aged spinster from a bygone era. you expect to see Miss Marple seated amidst the brocade furniture (and i do not mean the Miss Marple of more recent years, as she is practically a feminist warrior). it feels less like you have entered the comfort of a living room in someone's home, and more like you are walking through a life-size diorama in a museum of forgotten history.

added to that are the many ornate side tables, upholstered benches, and chairs adorning every non-vital bit of floor space. these objects are not for sitting or even resting something on. their sole purpose is to be admired... and to impress. as i write this, i can hear my mom disagreeing with this characterization, but i only have to remind her of some of the folks we have known over the years (including the one lady who had so many shower curtains hanging in layers at the same time, it must have taken her a few extra minutes to find her way in or out of the bath). making your way across some of these rooms can be like completing a complex maze in a side-scrolling game. you almost expect to 'level up' when you get to the other side. but—worst of all—there atop every table, chair back, and shelf you will find a crisply-starched lace doily made in the most-ornate of crochet... and that is the c-word we are going to talk about today.


i recognize that this qualifies as the most-first of first-world problems possibly ever in the entire history of humanity, but it should be stated—for the record—that i truly despise crochet. this is due to the fact that i tend to associate it with a certain aesthetic that has dominated far too many homes i have entered in my lifetime. my people seem to be seriously bothered by the sight of empty spaces, so they adorn every horizontal surface and piece of furniture with some form of elaborate crochet (or some mass-produced facsimile of the same). i think the assumption is that it adds a perceived value or beauty to the object below it, but (in my mind, at least) it has always served as a banner that screams, "do not touch anything... do not get too comfortable here". where is the "welcome" in that?

i further recognize that this all sounds completely absurd coming from me. i am knitting obsessed. i spend my leisure time reading about sheep. i am fairly certain that the Canadian wool growers association removed a bunch of breeds from their list after my repeated inquiries highlighted the fact that there were no farms in the country raising said sheep. seriously. you do not ever want to give me your mailing address, because a package will eventually show up at your door containing some sort of item knitted by me... plus some sweets (an apology of sorts for having burdened the recipient with the joy of hand-knits). who am i to criticize other people's fiber-related insanity??? yet, criticize it i will. it is not that i am condemning or even discouraging the craft of crochet... though, face it, i am. it is simply that my experience has led me to conclude that it is a thing of which i want no part. exactly.

worse than the doilies and other decorative knick-knacks are the garments made of crochet. why...??? i know that i am not the most expert of knitters, and i still have quite a way to go toward refining and perfecting my skills. [case and point: zippers in knitted garments. following one too many disappointments, i have vowed to avoid them until i figure out how to stop it from looking like a wavy piece of bacon in a frying pan.] seriously... i am no pro, and most of the stuff i produce still looks "handmade... with love". look at some of the patterns coming out of design-powerhouses like Berroco (i want this sweater from one of their latest collections), Quince & Co, or Brooklyn Tweed, and the phrase "handcrafted... with great skill" jumps to mind. the simplest of hand-knits can be super-refined when done right. by contrast, most of the crocheted clothing i have ever seen look "obviously homemade... possibly by a person who made the garment out of sheer spite". sorry, but... pretty much.

me: seriously... why do people keep crocheting clothes? it only ever looks like they're wearing macramé plant hangers on their body. 
him: it's just like knitting. how bad can it be?

i usually shake my head at him in pity at this point.

crazy part is, i actually know how to crochet, i just refuse to do so. that collection of hooks? they are mine, and there probably are a few more of them scattered around our place.


mom taught me the basics eons before i even knew what knitting was. i never actually saw her make anything, but there were always a few steel hooks and the odd ball of insanely-thin crochet thread somewhere in our home. i practiced just long enough to get the hang of the thing, then abruptly abandoned it, lest i be insulted by being asked to make doilies. to this day, i am not sure if my mom knows that i actually can crochet... and i hope to keep it that way.

so, there i was one day, browsing through some patterns on Ravelry. i had just finished a knitting project and i was trying to decide what to start next, when it occurred to me that my intense prejudice against crochet has nothing to do with the craft itself and all to do with my intense dislike for surfaces covered in useless bits of lace. maybe i just needed to find the right garment to crochet. i was having something of a love affair with cottony Summer tees, so i decided to keep things simple and search for patterns of a similar kind. i typed in "summer lace top", then totally ignored the little box next to "knitting", and checked "crochet" for the very first time. there was quite a lot of the kind of stuff i expected to find, but there were also a lot of sophisticated, refined designs and some truly impressive garments among the results. i wanted something simple—both in look and in construction—so i settled on the Amma granny square top. it is two large squares knit crocheted from the center out, then joined and finished with a few rows of stitches for tidy edges. it is the kind of pattern that you read through once, then maybe come back to it at the end to see what stitch they used for the trim... maybe. this was perfect for me. plus, i really did like the top. so i found some yarn in a season-appropriate cotton blend, and began my foray into crochet.

it was going better than just fine. i had one small hook and only one live stitch to worry about at a time. it was downright divine... for a while. then reality kicked in. as my square grew, so did my concern. gone was the lovely, squishy fabric i am used to when i knit. what i had before me was a ropey, nettish mass, the sight of which made me think of only two things: macramé... and crochet. maybe i was letting my expectations cloud my judgment? i grabbed another ball of yarn and carried on. i put down my hook somewhere near the end of ball number two, and took a hard look at what i had accomplished. then i heard the whisper of a familiar, nagging voice growing in the back of my mind. am i ever going to actually wear this thing? highly unlikely.

i was fully prepared to abandon it at that point, but i decided to seek an unbiased second opinion. i entered the studio with the fabric displayed in all its glory between my two outstretched hands, and waited to be acknowledged. it should be noted that i have been accused on several occasions of creeping him out by standing there silently. in my defense, it is usually because i went there to tell him something, and forgot what that was along the way, so i just stood there, trying my best to reverse my train of thought... then he turned around and was startled by my sudden appearance, standing there, staring blankly at a wall... or at him.  nothing creepy about that, right?

this time around, i cleared my throat to make my presence known, then said nothing. i did not want to influence his first impression by asking a potentially-leading question, so i just held out the large square of fabric and waited. this is pretty normal behavior around here, as i am always in the middle of making some thing, and always seeking an opinion from him. he gestured for me to bring it closer, then leaned forward to study the object briefly before commenting. no, exaggeration... this is exactly how it went.

him: oh... i see what you mean about crochet.
me: exactly.


i did not frog it right away, as i held on to the hope that i might change my mind, but i did grab a fresh ball of that same yarn and started working on a different top. knitted this time. it is like returning to the company of an old friend.


this decision was approved by the highest authority in our household.


she sat on the thing and immediately proceeded to fall asleep. i so absolutely love the total lack of disregard for self-awareness of cats.


this is not to suggest that i have abandoned the idea of giving crochet a try. i just need to find the right pattern that takes advantage of the technique, without producing a fabric that looks (and feels) like my dead grandfather's old fishing nets. the Crystal lace bolero has been in my favorites list for quite some time now, but i keep resisting the temptation to make it because... well... it is crochet. maybe i will make one for mom. then there are the designers like Marie Wallin, whose work just might convince me to give crochet another try. i recently fell in love with her knitwear designs (i just bought the pattern for a sweater of hers), and i realized that she also crochets. her Fountain and Lupin tops are beautiful, and the Rose sweater looks like something right out of a fairy tale (i can definitely see my mom in that last one, as that sort of thing does not fit into my 'tank top and season-appropriate pajama bottom' lifestyle). i am almost tempted to ask if she would like me to make her one, but i already know how that will go down. "oh, i didn't realize that you also crochet. i should get you to make me some doilies"... then i will probably end up being disowned.

strange though it may seem, this experience has left me with a nagging desire to crochet—of all things—doilies. crazy, i know. i want to make them in an assortment of colors and sizes (ranging from tiny coasters to large bed throws, all in unnecessarily-ornate lace), then mount them in frames and display them together on a wall for the world to see. above it i will hang a banner that reads, "please feel free to sit wherever you like and  make yourself comfortable... all are welcome here". exactly.